+ loving seeing the baby kick, instead of just feeling it.
+ reading Blogging for Creatives by Robin Houghton.
+ hating the uncomfortable stretching feeling of my belly. It’s only gonna get worse.
+ needing a really tall, cold beer. It’s a weird craving, I know.
+ planning the nursery. I have ideas. So many ideas.
+ listening to a country playlist. I’m on a kick.
+ seeing red birds everywhere. <3
+ wearing lots of Old Navy stretchy pants. So comfortable.
+ focusing on getting this house decorated finally. Mainly the basement.
+ daydreaming about summer.
+ missing RZR nights with the P-Town crew.
+ wishing the temps would stay this nice all the time.
+ enjoying talking to my belly.
+ feeling pretty good generally. Tired, but good.
+ eating everything in sight, it seems.
+ smelling flowers. I don’t know if it is my oversensitive hormones, but they seem so fragrant this year.
+ looking for a white safety-gate crib that isn’t a fortune! I have one specific in mind that I want (and need for easiest access to the baby in it) and might have to splurge. Sigh.
+ loving seeing the baby kick, instead of just feeling it.
I’m paralyzed. In a wheelchair. Can’t voluntarily move my legs.
And a lot of people assume that if I can’t walk, I can’t do a lot of things. And I can’t. Physically, there are things that are impossible. But there are adaptations and ways around most of them. So yes, in the end, I can’t do that, but I’m doing this and it is pretty similar.I know that most people just haven’t been exposed to or educated about paralyzed people before if there are so many assumptions and questions. And I try really hard not to hold such naivety and ignorance against them (unless they are rude about their questions–then we’ll have a problem). I have no problem with answering a little kid’s questions because they haven’t yet been tainted with stigmas and prejudices. Their curiosity is a chance for me to teach them something, teach them not to be afraid of disabled people, and hopefully not put any judgments toward the disabled. It’s the adults that put their misconceptions to work and make so much seem out of my reach because of my wheelchair.
One of them being: having a baby. I know it’s a hard concept for some to grasp. How will I take care of a baby? How will I do all the things that a parent needs to do? How will I play? How, oh how, did I get pregnant in the first place?!
It’s something that even I had to wrap my head around when first thinking about becoming a mom. I wasn’t sure how I would do it, if I could do it at all. But believe me, at this point in my life, I know I am going to be a kick ass mom. I have said it before, but becoming pregnant and putting a little bitty life in our hands was not something that we took lightly, or take lightly now. If I weren’t healthy enough to carry a baby to 38 weeks, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. If we couldn’t support a baby financially, we would have held off until we could. If I were going to have many, many procedures and worries about hurting my baby in the womb due to my paralysis or complications from it, I don’t think I would have had a pregnancy of my own. There is a point where wanting what you want takes a backseat to what is best for everyone.
But I am healthy. I haven’t had any major setbacks or complications that put my baby at risk. I do what the doctors tell me and monitor any slight “odd” feelings I have. My paralysis really has not had any major effects, especially now that the slight AD from the baby sitting on my bladder has left. I feel good in fact.
I wish that the doubts were there from people, but I understand it stems from them just not knowing, not understanding, not being exposed to anyone in my kind of situation before.
Maybe this is just another opportunity for Greg and I to prove people wrong. Disabled people are not helpless or live a life any less normal than the next person. So when I roll up next to you at the PTO meeting in 5-6 years, say hi and let’s get on with our agenda.
I have known I wanted a big canvas in my office since we bought this house and decided that this room would indeed be an office. I’m big on big art. I finally decided that instead of doing a big script canvas like this one, I would try something abstract. I need as much calm as I can get while working, and a script canvas just seemed too distracting and busy for this space (though I am going to make one with our wedding song for our bedroom).
Next was picking colors. Yellow seemed like an obvious choice (isn’t yellow always an obvious choice with me?), but then I saw a painting on Pinterest, and the colors just caught me. Magenta, pinkish, gold. It seemed great to go with my gray walls and cedar desks.
Abstract art is something never seems right to me until I am done with it, like the layers or blended colors are telling me “Yes, just stop here.” The same happened for this one. I didn’t want too much gold, and I could have easily gone haywire had I not stepped back and looked at it from across the room. The gold is just right for me.
This made me excited to make more art, for the baby’s room and who knows where else. We have a lot of space to fill yet.
It seems that it has been so ridiculously crazy around here since we moved. I feel like I am always going, always busy, always figuring out what to cook next. I like the on-the-go, but this baby has worn me out lately too. She must be going through a growth spurt because I am exhuasted, almost as much as I was in those first weeks.
I need a day or five to sleep and catch up on my DVR’ed shows. (The Good Wife! What were they thinking?!) I also want to order The Book Thief to see if it lives up to the book. (Do they ever?) I have been working some half days from home, but I never feel as productive as I do when I am at the office. It is good that my boss allows me to have the option though. As long as everything is getting done, I guess it doesn’t matter much where it is getting done.
Greg has been busy too. KC got hit with some hail a few weeks ago, and he has fixing dented cars as fast as he can. It makes for long days and late dinners, but this is his season. I know he needed a change from body work too. Hail makes him happy.
And that makes me happy.
Yes, she is. And a very busy and active one too. She is growing as she should and continues to get bigger and push on mommy’s ribs, something that is sure to get worse over the next few weeks.
The doctor recommends admitting me into the hospital at 32ish weeks just in case of preterm labor (because of autonomic dysreflexia)but I am going to hold out as long as she will let me without pushing my limits too far. I don’t want to take a chance of harming the baby at all, but also don’t want to sit around a hospital for 6 weeks doing nothing either. Gah, can you imagine how stir crazy I will be by the time the baby arrives?
A glucose test is scheduled for two weeks, and hopefully will show nothing out of the ordinary. No sugar=cranky mommy!
There is something about her voice, isn’t there?!
We always knew we would get another dog when we moved. We watched Craigslist for Mastiff puppies, a little more seriously lately since we were thisclose to moving. When our house was broken into again, it was decided that yes, we needed a big dog. The kind of dog that stands in the driveway and looks scarier than hell. Greg called about a litter not far from the old house, and it turns out that not only were the owners getting rid of the pups, the parents were available too. Apparently, this family was moving too.
So meet Demus and Bella.
Demus is a brindle English Mastiff, and he is a huge dog. Greg’s brother has a male English Mastiff also, and Demus is bigger and wider for sure. This dog is just massive, and his size intimidates me a little still. I’ve never had such a huge dog.
Bella is a fawn English Mastiff and probably one of the prettiest big dogs I have ever seen. And a total sweetheart. As soon as she came out of their fence, she came right to me and nuzzled up against me, I guess to say hello.
They do well with Dixie, even though they haven’t had too much time to play yet. Demus wants to play with her, but since they both play rough, I’m kinda scared that he is going to hurt her accidentally. It’s just going to take time for them to learn about each other.
You’ll be seeing lots more of each of them I’m sure.
you are the most beautiful thing
I have ever dreamed
and I haven’t even met you yet
or seen your face,
the color of your eyes
or heard your cry
or tasted your tiny baby kiss.
Still, you have stolen
my whole beating heart.
This is perfect for April. If you’ve ever read this blog during April in past year’s (besides maybe last year, when my mind was fogged with wedding planning), you will know that April is normally a hard month for me. Everything bad (besides our wedding anniversary now) happens in April. Maybe it is a coincidence, or maybe the universe has pushed all the crap into one month so that the rest can seem stupendous. If that is the case, thank you, Universe.
This year, I am deciding that the wreck anniversary will mean nothing, only that I have rolled into (no pun intended) my 11th year paralyzed and in a wheelchair. We planned our wedding date one day after it for that reason, and I am not going back to hum-hawing around about the mark of my paralysis. Really, it doesn’t matter because I am not there anymore. I am here and happy. That is what matters.
They told me right away that it gets better. Time heals all wounds. He’s in a better place. There are more philosphical things that were told to me at that very exhausting and weary time, I’m sure, although those are the ones that stick with me. And maybe they’re true for those people.
But for me, it has not gotten easier, only different. The overwhelming sadness and helplessness that I felt has turned into an overwhelming yearning to have just one more conversation. I know that’s not a chance I will ever get, but that wish is still there. There were times in those first few months when I thought that I could not miss him any more than
I did at that moment
on that day, but I was wrong.
I miss my dad. I think I missed him more in the past 2 weeks since my grandmother (his mother) has been gravely ill and also passed away. She looked just like him. Her mannerisms were just like him. She was feisty, just like him. I loved her greatly just like him. I am heartbroken about her death, and I am once again torn open again about how much it reminds me of my dad’s death.
Today marks 10 months, and still I have not been to his grave. Not because I don’t want to, but because for some reason, I don’t need to. For me, that’s not where I find peace with him. I find it whenever I need it, no matter where I am. I find it in the sunshine on the way to work, in the red birds I see at random times, in a song that comes on the radio just when I need it.
I imagine that the next 2 months will be hard for us all, remembering how hard we were fighting the cancer just a year ago. Somehow, we will get through it the same way we have gotten through the last 10. Grandma’s memory will be tucked closed to my heart, and I hope that she is up there treating Grandpa, Uncle Galen, and Dad to some good cookin’.
It’s been a while since I have been able to share a Project Life post. It’s been a while since I have been able to even work on PL honestly. It was packed away, and I was too tired (and lazy) to mess with it while we were in the moving/almost moving/moving again phase.
But now I have a whole new area to work in and am rediscovering all the stuff I had packed away for so long. I felt a little bit more inspired than normal, even though I am trying really hard to stick to my “simple” and “balance” with this year’s album. I don’t want to spend too much time thinking about it.So I have been printing pictures like crazy and getting as caught up as I can without making myself feel overwhelmed that maybe I could be missing something. I check my Filofax and try to remember any funny stories. I don’t like playing catch up as much as I do just crafting pages as they come. It’s much more fun that way.
Here are the rest:
I am really enjoying the smaller format. More than I thought I would actually. It is so easy, no over thinking about what “extra” pictures or embellishments I need to add to fill the pockets up. I love that. My mind works better this way, I guess. Hopefully there will be more consistent Project Life posts here since I can spread my stuff out and get to work on it more often. Plus I downsized my stash of stuff and am feeling more refreshed about paper crafting than ever.